2021 Reflections

The theme of this year was exploration. A quest to embark on new experiences, meet new people, and most necessarily, connect with myself. There’s a lot I’m still trying to piece together, and sometimes it’s hard to say if I have more clarity now than I did when the year started. But the intentionality behind my reflections this year felt purposeful, and it’s definitely something I want to continue in 2022.

I haven’t had the chance to write much this year, but I wanted to share some reflections about how this year has really been. A deeper, more behind-the-scenes, diary-entry-style look at some of my overarching motifs of the year. Beyond the Instagram posts and stories, the surface-level “how’s it going”s, and the fleeting facial expressions. We all have stories that we author and read by ourselves, the pages that others never get to turn, the words that others never get to see. We silently fight battles and celebrate wins on our own. By sharing some of my chapters, I hope you find comfort in knowing that all your feelings and experiences are valid and worthwhile and that you aren’t alone.

Cozy up, turn on some lo-fi music, and let’s reflect on the year together.

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I used to volunteer as a camp counselor (shoutout to Camp Kesem, highly recommend checking out this wonderful organization). Every night we’d go around in a circle saying our roses (the highs of our days), thorns (the lows of our days), and buds (something to look forward to). I thought I’d do that for this past year, starting with the thorns so that we can end on a positive note.

I felt lost.

I questioned SO MUCH this year. Am I good enough? Do people like me? Am I a good friend? Am I a good person? Will I be successful? What do I even measure success as? Where do I want to go and how will I get there? I doubted everything I had been working toward thus far, which made me wonder what my purpose, goals, and passions really are. I felt like I was putting in effort into friendships that wasn’t being reciprocated, which made me wonder how people view me and if I was doing something wrong. I think many of us have felt that way at least once, and although we know that no one owes us anything, it still hurts to feel like maybe you “aren’t worth it.” I felt lonely and like I couldn’t even rely on myself. I think finding my self-worth has been a big struggle for me this year especially. It’s something I want to focus on next year, but I know that it’ll come from internal changes and finding confidence in myself - giving myself direction, not waiting for others to give it to me.

Here’s your reminder that you are worthy all on your own. No one gives you value, you already have it. You don’t need to prove it to anyone, even yourself. It’s already in you; just do your best to remember that.

I couldn’t stop comparing myself.

Now, this is something I never used to do. At least until I started college, I felt pretty content with just doing my own thing. But I don’t know … over the past few years, I’ve been comparing myself more, and recently it’s been really hard not to get caught up in what everyone else is doing. For much of this year, I felt behind or inadequate, but I didn’t know why or what to do about it. And that’s because there is no point to comparing ourselves to anyone else. If I had spent less time this year comparing myself to others and more time focusing on the things that I wanted to do, I think I’d find that there’s nothing to compare anyway. We’re all on our own journeys, and we’re right where we’re supposed to be. Maybe this isn’t where I wanted to be at the start of 2021, but I’m here and there’s a reason for it. I’m learning the lessons I need to when I need to, and it’ll all be okay.

I got in my own way.

Quite a bit. I felt like I was sabotaging myself constantly. I procrastinated, didn’t manage my time well, dwelled on things I probably didn’t need to dwell on, and found myself craving more time and energy to do what I needed to do. I think it’s so important to listen to your mind and body and take mental and physical breaks. But I think I lost some of my discipline this year that I had handled better in the past. And a huge reason was fear. I was so scared of not succeeding that I was frozen with self-doubt. Rather than taking the effort to make things easier on myself, I succumbed to my fear and perpetuated all the factors that were stressing me out. Ignoring or running away from the problem isn’t the answer, but I made a lot of excuses to myself. I don’t think there’s any benefit to living with regret, so I’m taking this as another lesson to learn and an opportunity for growth. But I’m saying no to my own excuses in 2022. Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. But also treat yourself the way you’d want others to treat you. 

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In 2021, I also enjoyed some of the best experiences I’ve had in a long time. There were so many roses this year, and I am so appreciative of the people and memories from this year.

I met so many incredible people both virtually and in person.

It’s such a heartwarming feeling to see strangers spreading so much love to each other, standing up for people they don’t know, and telling people they’re here for them. I think many of us have a love-hate relationship with social media - and understandably so. Sometimes it feels like people are just trying to bring each other down. We see a lot of negativity in the news, through stories we hear, and even in our own experiences sometimes. But Twenties by Design exposed me to a supportive online community of people who believe in one another and sincerely want to see each other succeed, and online connection was important this year when we still couldn’t always see one another in person. Your kind comments and messages meant so much to me. I was also overwhelmed by the words of encouragement of friends I hadn’t heard from in a while and the quick support of all the new people I met. The goal of Twenties by Design was to connect people and remind each other that we aren’t alone, and it’s an exciting feeling to see that come to life. Outside of the blog world, I also made so many new friends in the latter half of the year - I’m so excited to spend more time with all of you and experience life together.

I gained a little more confidence in myself to go after what I want without worrying too much about what other people think.

I’m not all the way there yet, but the people I’ve met through Twenties by Design and my friends who have always been there to listen to my ideas, fears, and doubts gave me the validation and the reassurance to go forth (both with the blog and other life aspirations). Maybe someday I won’t need that validation, and I’ll still know I’m being supported by close ones and strangers alike. But for now, I’m grateful to you for giving me a space to experiment and step in and out of my comfort zone and for encouraging me through it all.

I finally felt this sense of believing in myself.

I’ve always had an intrinsic locus of control when it comes to my setbacks but an extrinsic locus of control when it comes to my accomplishments or successes. It’s hard for me to understand that my own hard work or abilities or talent may be contributing factors to things that work out well (which is ironic, considering I’m very much a person who wants to do a lot of things yet can’t really accept that I have the potential to make it happen?). The first and last quarters of this year, specifically through Twenties by Design, I’ve finally had this feeling that yeah, maybe I have the power and capabilities to make my dreams come true. And that’s liberating.

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I think I felt more of an emotional turmoil this year than any other thus far. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why - maybe I subconsciously reflected more. Maybe I didn’t have enough of a chance to reflect at all. Maybe the pandemic is still stringing me along on this rollercoaster of restlessness. 

At times I felt like I was riding a wave that I didn’t want to. I was being pushed along before I was ready but was forced to keep up. Maybe I needed that extra push, but maybe I just needed a second to breathe.

Other times, the current and I were at odds. I was hoping to go one way, but I was being told to go another. Sometimes I fought my way against the current and ended up where I wanted. Sometimes I decided to just see what would happen if I let the current take me there.

But it’s funny how these seemingly gigantic moments whittle down into tiny snapshots of your life by the end of the year. It doesn’t seem to make sense anymore to think about what could have, would have, should have happened. Right now, it just feels like, “Who cares? I’m here now, and that’s all that really matters.” I don’t really remember how I was feeling or what I was doing on February 12th or July 6th or October 28th.

And maybe that’s the biggest lesson of all that I learned in 2021. The phrase I probably used the most this year was “this year is going by so quickly.” Every new month took me by surprise, every new day felt rushed and too soon. But that’s just it. Life moves way too quickly for us to sit and worry about every little thing that happens. All those fears that hold us back from taking that next step, all those doubts we have in our mind about whether or not we can do it - they’re completely normal and valid, but maybe they’re also keeping us from moving through life at our own pace. Life passes us by while we’re searching for something or someone to tell us to go for it. But what if instead, we just decide to go for it and life moves along with us? Maybe the year isn’t going by so quickly, but rather we’re getting so much done within the year. I don’t mean productivity-wise, but instead living out the moments that bring us a palpable sense of joy - the kind that makes you want to jump out of bed in the mornings and lingers behind when you close your eyes each night.

However your 2021 played out, your journey was unique, valuable, and meaningful. Most importantly, it was yours - yours to learn from, to cherish, and to feel however you feel about it. If you’re into the “new year, fresh start” mindset, take the lessons you’ve learned into 2022 for some direction on how to approach the year. If not, that’s totally okay, too. January 1st is not the end all be all for any decisions or intentions you might want to set. Take the year at your own pace, and focus on the small things every day that bring your joy.

Sending you lots of strength, love, and positivity for 2022.

P.S. If there’s anything I can do to make these posts or even the website more accessible, please leave your feedback below or email/DM me. Inclusivity is super important to me, so I’d love to make any adjustments to ensure this content can be accessed by all!