Confidence: Authentically You
When I scroll through social media, I observe so many photos and videos of friends and strangers looking like they’re having the time of their lives - embracing their surroundings and more importantly themselves. But put me behind a camera, especially in public, and my face gets flushed, my palms start sweating, and I just want to hide until I feel invisible.
When I walk on the street and look at someone wearing a more conspicuous outfit or dancing in public, I’m in awe of their boldness. I feel a surge of happiness and a desire to support them or compliment them for looking amazing or cool or just being awesome. But I shy away from anything that would put eyes on me, even though I’m inspired by others who aren’t afraid to put themselves out there.
When I hear about the successes of new CEOs and up-and-coming celebrities, I’m impressed by the way they enter the public eye with apparent confidence and excitement. But I’m scared of being judged by those who know me, let alone thousands of people who don’t.
I don’t necessarily have the answer as to why some people are more confident than others. Maybe it’s a result of upbringing, experiences, social influences, etc. But I think what’s interesting is that when I reflect on my own life, I can’t pinpoint particular instances or circumstances that made me more or less confident as a whole. I don’t mean winning a competition that made me confident for the next hour, or doing poorly on a test that made me less confident for the next couple weeks - I mean confidence as a general internal state that influences most of my decisions.
In complete transparency, I have become very unconfident in myself. I don’t think I was ever a particularly confident person, but whatever confidence I did have in myself back in middle school or high school, I feel like I’ve slowly lost over the years. Again, I can’t exactly say why - maybe it just came with the territory of growing up and feeling lost, but it’s something I’ve noticed more and more over the years. I’ve found myself doubting my abilities to succeed at anything new, resulting in me usually quitting within a week or two of starting. I’ve found myself constantly worrying about what other people will think and needing validation (future discussion?), rather than just relying on myself.
If confidence is a product of nondescript daily life experiences, then how can we identify specific steps to gain confidence and relinquish insecurities?
In some ways, I actually think confidence is a form of vulnerability - a powerful one at that. You’re so fully trusting in others or yourself and your abilities, and you’re letting your guard down to really lean into that trust. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence you can have in others; you know that even if someone were to betray your trust, you are secure enough in yourself to know you can overcome the hurt. Essentially, you’re bringing down your walls to authentically be yourself, no matter the circumstance.
When you open yourself up to truly own who you are, I think you automatically become more confident. I think that’s what makes it so hard for some of us to feel sure of ourselves. We’re scared to make mistakes or let other people (or ourselves) down. We’re scared of judgment and criticism or being disliked. Being confident means taking accountability for yourself - you’re owning and accepting not just what you do, but who you are. And that can be scary. You’re letting all your walls down to fully let your personality shine, regardless of what others think.
It’s never easy being vulnerable. I always thought that, in a lot of ways, I’m a pretty open person so I must be quite willing to be vulnerable. I trust others pretty easily and I’m not particularly secretive, maybe for that reason. But I’ve also realized that vulnerability doesn’t just involve sharing your deepest secrets. It also includes being willing to take risks and fail, being proud of yourself for your accomplishments, setting boundaries and expressing to others when you feel hurt, and so much more.
Each of these can be easier or harder for different people (for example, I really struggle with the latter two). To that point, a confident person isn’t self-assured all the time and a not-so-confident person isn’t insecure all the time either. Fears and doubts can keep us from being too impulsive or reckless, and self-reliance gives us reassurance to push forward on our own (without depending on others). I do think both are necessary to live a balanced life, and neither extreme serves us well. But especially when we are filled with so much self-doubt, we’re restricting ourselves from reaching our full potential.
I also think that assessing confidence from an external perspective is just perception - it’s easy to categorize someone as confident or not confident based on what you see them say or do, but perception doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. Confidence really does stem from the inside. You can put on an air of confidence, while internally filling your thoughts with uncertainty.
So how can we truly become more confident on the inside, so that our confidence level manifests accurately on the outside? Personally, I think this is a big exercise in vulnerability. The more we practice being vulnerable or pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone, the closer we can get to trusting ourselves wholly.
Here are 5 ideas that I came up with that I want to implement in my own life:
Write down everything that makes you doubt yourself - is it your appearance, your grades, your financial situation, negative comments from others (to name a few)? Now write down every time one of these factors seriously affected you in your life. Was the doubt in your head? Did it have a severe impact?
If it’s the former, I hope you gain some hope that you can trust yourself and the doubts you have don’t have to control you. They can subside as long you don’t give them power over you.
If it’s the latter, is this something that will affect you again? Is it worth focusing on going forward, or can you leave it in the past?
Try to visualize yourself free of all these doubts, and remember that image next time the doubts creep back into your mind. I hope it’s an empowering feeling :)
**Through Twenties by Design, my hope is to connect with anyone reading this and be as open and honest as I possibly can. I want to normalize these feelings and remind everyone that you aren’t alone. I’m going to answer this prompt and share it on the blog IG this week (I’ll update this link to show the specific post).
Put yourself out there around people you will never see again. Sometimes, our insecurities stem from fear of judgment from those closest to us. It can be harder to take criticism or mockery from our friends or family, whose opinions we probably value heavily, than from strangers. Trying something new or going out of your comfort zone with no one to respond can feel more freeing to just be yourself.
Take small steps every day by doing something trivial that scares you. Examples include complimenting a stranger on the street, respectfully requesting a different booth at a restaurant, or even wearing a different outfit that might be “unexpected” for you . There’s absolutely no pressure to turn around and be this completely confident, open, always-assured person. You have nothing to prove to anyone - you’re doing this for yourself so that you can live a more uninhibited, unburdened life. You can completely own who you are because you value your opinions more than those of others.
Express your fears to those you trust, including friends, family, therapists, support groups, or even online communities. Understanding that you are loved, respected, and cherished for who you are can be just the self-esteem booster you might need to feel more confident or even regain any confidence that you may have lost from a setback. I promise I’m always here to listen whenever!
Reevaluate the relationships in your life. Are there people who always make you feel good about yourself? Are there people whom you leave feeling drained or negatively about yourself? Consider whom you want in your innermost circle - people who encourage you to grow and become a better version of yourself through constructive feedback, rather than those who tear you down or aggravate your insecurities.
Please feel free to share any suggestions you might have for gaining confidence in the comments below. I’d also love to hear any ways that you want to try to step out of your comfort zone or gain more confidence! If you feel comfortable, share your experience in the comments below, email me, or DM me.
P.S. If there’s anything I can do to make these posts or even the website more accessible, please leave your feedback below or email/DM me. Inclusivity is super important to me, so I’d love to make any adjustments to ensure this content can be accessed by all!